I just don't know what to think any more. I want to be happy but it seems like I'm not aload to be. But at the same time I know that things could be a lot worse. I miss people I shouldn't and don't miss people that I should. I keep hoping to just be happy, I don't even want to be with someone...thats not what I'm asking for. Yes it would be a plus but if me being alone means I'm happy then I will deal with it. But right now I'm not happy, shool and work are getting to me, I'm broke, and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I feel like I'm just putting on an act and covering up the way I really feel and trying to make it all look better. I just don't know waht to think anymore...

So life could be better...but it could also be worse.

I seem to be on the right track again. In a way...

So I started what I always thought was the worst thing to do...I started smoking. But I can't stand the smell or the taste. So I'm already quiting. I started drinking more again...but even that has started slowing down. But I am still having problems with guys. I need to stop "seeing" this one guy but I just can't! And the other guy who is nice, funny, and amazing...likes me, likes to be with me...but he has a girlfriend! And I can't stand it! I really like him and I really like spending time with him. But I'm not going to be the one who ruins his realationship. And I did another "Fixing" you could say. I finally got hold of Marc and tried to make things better there again.

But classes are going good. And I have made a few new friends, and made a friend from class an even close friend. I can't wait till we start doing all of these different things with the program!

Things take time to heal. And when they finally do it's amazing. But somethings never really heal all the way. I don't know if I will ever get over it but I can at least try my hardest. But other things are starting to take form. I don't know who I am any more but I am working on figuring out who I am. I want to get back on track with my life. It wont be easy but I can do it. First things first I should try and get away from this guy...but it's so hard to do. I almost do and then I go right back to him. But I have to make a promise to myself and then keep it!

I have people who are standing behind me and beside me. While some don't understand why or what I'm doing I am doing it will all my heart and soul. I want that feeling again. I need to be alive again! And I am slowly working on getting there.

Well life is a little different... Me and Jay are ONLY friends...mainly because he is still in love with Niki...and I can respect that. So we hang out but thats the extent of it.

I am trying to get out and meet new people. It's slow starting...but I need to get over being so shy. Some of you may not think it but i really am shy. So I've lost a few friends and gained a few. But thats just life.

Got my belly button pierced at the Blessing of the Bikes on Friday. It hurts more after than when I got it done. And when he was doing it, he got half way through and had to really push to get it all the way through. He had told me it wont hurt, and so did Brittany, but when he realized that he had to really push...he said that it was going to hurt. But it looks so cute!!

I am enjoying my single life though. I flirt back with the guys, and I LOVE it when I realize that they are checking me out...it's great! haha.

So me and Jay are still hangin out. It's nice to have someone to talk to and cuddle next to at night. And yet not be worried about the whole boyfriend thing. We're not labeling it yet. Neither of us need that right now. We both have problems with letting people in and taking a chance. I'm so tired of getting hurt or hurting people. So I really like what we have. Yeah it's complicated with everything that is goin on in his life and things that have happen and the things that will happen But life was never meant to be easy...unfortunately. So we are just taking it one day at a time and doing the best that we can.